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Life is a Journey

Chasing That Feeling 1/1

Chasing That Feeling 1/1

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Sleeping Beauty

Title:  Chasing That Feeling
Author:  Disneymagics
Rating:  T (for drug and alcohol abuse)
Characters:  Sam, Dean (mentions of Castiel)
Genre:  Gen, hurt/comfort
Disclaimer:  I don't own Supernatural except in my dreams where schmoop abounds.
Warnings:  Spoilers for season 6 through 6.14 – Mannequin 3: The Reckoning. Also, I make no apologies for the amount of schmoop in this story…but I will warn for potential cavities.
Word Count:  ~2,100
Summary:  As with so many things, Dean has mastered the fine art of being drunk. His battle-weary brother takes being a 'functional alcoholic' to an entirely different dimension.
A/N:  This is an attempt to break my pre-series and season 1 habit. I'm not giving up my hurt/comfort addiction though. This ficlet was written for a challenge over at silverbullets – write and post a story within 24 hours of receiving your prompt.   jennytork gave me this prompt: He's out of his mind!

Chasing That Feeling
By Disneymagic

"I think your friend is ready to call it a night," the bartender says, tipping the beer bottle he's just uncapped toward the booth Dean is occupying before moving down the bar to place the bottle in front of a waiting customer.

Sam takes another slow sip off the brown bottle he's been nursing for the last half hour, shifts on the swiveling bar stool, and glances over his shoulder. Sure enough, his brother is slumped forward, arms resting in a haphazard sprawl on the heavy wood table, head pillowed on one bicep. His mouth is slightly open and his eyes are closed, but his head is tilted and facing the bar area as though he fell asleep while keeping watch over Sam.

Beer bottles form a wavering line across the far edge of the table, those at the start of the line noticeably more precisely placed than the ones at the end. Shot glasses are turned upside down in a row, reminiscent of the drinking game scene from Raiders of the Lost Ark; the one Dean always gets such a big kick out of.

Tonight, Dean had matched every one of Sam's beers with three or four of his own followed by whiskey chasers, not to mention the pills he'd popped from the small bottle in his jacket pocket. Sam's not sure what the pills are for or what they do and the only thing Dean would say about them was that they were 'effective.' Whatever that means.

Dean had been on a mission, chasing his own private oblivion, and Sam hadn't been about to stand in his way. He wouldn't have been able to even if he'd wanted and heaven help him, he hadn't wanted to. It's not as though he can deny his brother anything. Not now.

Not when he already has so much to atone for.

Cas had filled him in on some of what his soulless self had done and Sam is still having a hard time wrapping his head around most of it. How could he have tried to kill Bobby? How could he have let his brother get turned by vampires?

No matter how many times Dean tells him it wasn't him, Sam knows it was. He just doesn't get how. Or why. Not that the hows or the whys really make any kind of difference. It would just be nice to understand.

Shaking his head to banish those thoughts, Sam turns to scan the hole-in-the-wall dive. The Monday night crowd is sparse and the possible threats minimal. Oak timbers along the ceiling give the open space a barn-like feel and the music piped in from overhead speakers is a mixture of twangy country and pop. Something for everyone, Sam snorts.

The pretty young thing sitting next to his brother on the bench seat is idly toying with the short hairs at the nape of Dean's neck, possessively twirling her index finger in coy little circles while she smacks her gum and watches a couple locals shooting pool in the back.

She doesn't look like she's planning on leaving anytime soon and Sam wonders how anyone can be that dense. Dean is obviously done for the night. She's not getting any action from the nearly comatose hunter at this stage in the game.

Sam finishes his beer, places a few bills under the empty bottle to pay their tab, and strolls over to Dean's booth. He's in no real rush. It's not like his brother is going anywhere without him.

When he gets to the booth, he stands at his full height, cocks an eyebrow and waits patiently for Little Miss Clueless to take the hint. She doesn't.

"Sorry Miss, but you may need to look for better company somewhere else." Sam looks at his brother pointedly and smiles. He's trying to be nice. This is a very awkward situation and he'd feel shitty about sending Dean's 'date' packing except that if Dean had wanted the type of recreation she's offering, he would have taken her up on it before he passed out. "I need to get my brother home now."

She leans over like she's just now noticed Dean is no longer holding up his end of the conversation and strokes the shell of his ear with one long, red-lacquered fingernail, sighing in a petulant way when Dean doesn't even twitch. Then she looks up at Sam and her eyes take on a hungry gleam.

"My, you sure do look…athletic." Staring at his arms, she tucks a strand of shoulder-length, brown hair behind her ear. "You play any sports? Football maybe?"

"No, no football." Sam reaches out and cups her elbow, urging her to stand up. "I'm sorry, I've really got to…" He leaves the sentence hanging there and Miss Fickle finally gets the message that she's outstayed her welcome. She gives Dean one last wistful glance, then saunters over to the guys at the pool tables.

Sam takes a moment to watch her go, make sure she isn't going to cause any trouble, then he lowers his gaze to his brother's completely lax face, contemplating how he's going to get Dean out to the car.

It's sort of amazing to Sam how peaceful and genuinely relaxed Dean looks in moments like these when he's basically dead to the world, lost in blissful unconsciousness.

Sliding into the now unoccupied space in the booth next to his brother, Sam shakes Dean's shoulder. "Hey cowboy, you ready to blow this popsicle stand?" A strange feeling, half amusement, half satisfaction, makes him smile when Dean immediately responds to the sound of his voice by lifting his head and blinking bleary eyes at him.

"Hey Sammy," Dean says in a sleepy drawl. A lopsided grin materializes from out of nowhere as he tries his best to resume a vertical position, making it only part way.

Now comes the fun part, the entertaining part. Dean is…okay there's just no better way to put it, he's down right affectionate when he's shit-faced drunk. His personal space boundaries become non-existent, his no chick-flick rule goes out the window, and his smiles come a lot easier. The long, rambling sentences that usually don't make any sense and the goofy, little boy grins by themselves are worth the price of admission which, admittedly, hadn't been very high tonight at all.

Dean rarely lets himself get like this and when he does it's only because he feels safe. It's only because he knows Sam has his back.

He drinks, sure. He drinks a lot. As with so many things, Dean has mastered the fine art of being drunk. His battle-weary brother takes being a 'functional alcoholic' to an entirely different dimension.

This isn't drunk though, this is wasted.

Sam wonders if Dean ever let himself get like this around the ruthless hunter Sam became when he didn't have a soul. He fervently hopes not.

"Yer my fav'rit brother, you know that Sam? An' I don' care what Cas says, I'm glad I did it. It had to be done. You know that, righ' Sammy?"

"Hold up there, Tipsy. Run that by me again. What did Cas say?" Sam decides to leave the 'favorite brother' remark alone and concentrate on the rest of that slurred jumble of words. At times like these, trying to decipher Dean's warped and befuddled logic is half the fun.

His brother's eyes cross with the effort to focus on Sam's face. "Cas is being a prissy little bitch," Dean says in a conspiratorial whisper. "He says I shoulda left yer soul down in the cage with Lucifer, but I couldn' do that, Sam."

Holding a finger up to stop his brother before he can continue babbling nonsense, Sam narrows his eyes and says, "Let me get this straight. Do you mean to tell me that our good buddy Cas, the Angel, thinks I would be better off if my everlasting soul was left in the pit to be Lucifer's chew toy for all eternity?"

"Mmm hmm." Dean hums his agreement, closing his eyes and slipping down in the vinyl covered seat.

Sam puts an arm out to keep his brother from sliding under the table and onto the beer-sticky floor. He feels like the father of a small child in a minivan, restraining said child when he presses down on the breaks too hard.

"You'd think with Cas bein' an Angel an' all tha' he'd understand 'bout the importance of a soul. He's all caught up on the damaged part, but I figure – hey, a damaged soul's better'an no soul at all. Cas says if I wanted to kill you I shoulda jus' done it outright." Opening his eyes to half-mast, Dean catches his bottom lip between his teeth.

And just that quickly Sam is furious. "He's out of his mind!"

Dean nods so vigorously that he loses whatever balance he had and tips sideways until his head comes to a rest on Sam's shoulder. His next words come out muffled by the fabric of Sam's shirt. "Tha's what I tol'im."

Sam pats his brother's chest, looking around to make sure they aren't attracting the wrong kind of attention or any attention at all for that matter. He's definitely not cuddling with his brother. Still, their current position could be taken the wrong way.

The warm weight of his brother gets heavier as Dean lets his body go limp, snuffling softly into Sam's neck. His next words are nearly inaudible. "So Dude, you gotta stop scratchin' at that wall 'cause I don' want Cas to be right."

Internally berating himself for not telling his brother how he feels before now, Sam presses his cheek into the top of Dean's head. "No matter what happens to me from here on out Dean, I want you to know you did the right thing. I actually can't think of a worse fate than walking around without a soul for the rest of my life. And hey, if you'd listened to Cas, my soul would have stayed in hell even after my body died. At least this way I have a chance of going somewhere better."

"My blue heaven." Dean sighs.

"Funny movie." Sam smiles. "So, are you going to walk out of here or am I carrying you?"

"Carry me." Dean makes a sound that Sam guesses is supposed to be a scoff or a challenge, but comes out as a spray of spit.

"Dude, keep your shower to yourself."

In one effortless movement, Sam stands and pulls Dean's unresisting body into a fireman's carry, long limbs hanging all loose and floppy.

Dean doesn't even put up a half-hearted struggle, not even to keep up appearances, and that just goes to show how far gone he is.

Sam readjusts Dean's weight and heads out the door toward the parking lot and the patiently waiting Impala. On the way, he thinks about what he wants to tell Cas the next time he sees the Angel.

The End.

A/N: Thank you for reading. Yes, I totally bashed Cas in this fic, so go ahead and let me have it. LOL Tell me what you think.

  • I love your totally smashed Dean! I'd love to see Sam have a scene like this in the show, going all caveman and carrying Dean out of the bar would do all sorts of things to me!!
    Best bit though? Dean falling asleep on the table with his head turned the right way. Says it all.
    • I know, right! This needs to happen on the show so, so much. I think we might be waiting a while though, like for-eva. *pouts* That's why we write fanfiction.

      Thanks hun!
  • Deeaaannooo! I shouldn't love him this much when he's drunk because it's destructive and the root of half his problems, but...but...he's so damn adorable here, I can't even *flails*

    That prompt thing though?

    *stares at paper deadline*

    *stares at prompt*

    Maybe if I find some coffee I can at least give it a try. Totally got my priorities straight here. xD
    • Yes, and your ikon is perfect. Sorry I caught you at a bad time. I understand how hard it can be to find the time to write, so don't kill yourself on my account.

      I'm glad you liked my inhibition-free Dean. There, we don't have to mention that he was drunk out of his mind.

  • Nothing from me, sweetie. It was never a question in my mind that Cas was completely wrong telling Dean to leave Sam in hell. There was no way that Dean would leave Sam's soul to eternal torment in the cage.

    Thanks so much for sharing this with us. :)
    • My husband argues this one with me. He thinks Cas was right and Sam would be better off without a damaged soul. I really don't get it, but I'm sure lots of other people feel that way, so I'm waiting in my bunker for the bombs to start exploding. :-)

      You're welcome and thanks for commenting. *hugs*
  • I have to agree I love Dean like this, only because he can let his guard down and let Sam know how he feels. Other than that liquor is never an answer to problems. And I love Sam also watching out for Dean and I love his interaction with the gal. I'm glad Dean listened to his heart on this matter instead of Cas.
    • I've said many times that Dean seems to be the moral compass of the show. Whenever there are two points of view or a difficult descision to be made, Dean always seems to get it right.

      Getting Dean drunk was a really good excuse for letting Sam take care of him and reassure him that he had done the right thing.

      Thanks for reading!!!

      Edited at 2012-03-28 01:22 am (UTC)
  • I think I love it. It's been dark and difficult days for me and my family the last couple of weeks, no real light in the tunnel ahead but this little read made everything feel brighter, lighter for a few minutes for me. So, thank you.
    • I'm teribly sorry you've been having a rough time of it lately. :-( But if my story helped even the tiniest bit, then I'm very glad I posted it. Thank you for taking the time to read. I hope everything works out for you and your family.
  • As much as I love Cas, I am well aware that he's almost a total wanker during season 6. Sam's reaction here is totally understandable - hearing someone you thought was a friend has said it'd be better to leave you in Hell? Umm, yeah. Valid anger!
    • Cas honestly made me really angry during that episode where he very indignantly told Dean what a huge mistake he was making by giving Sam his soul back. I really couldn't believe an angel would ever say anything like that. Someone else suggested that Cas reacted that way because he felt guilty for not being able to give Sam his sould back himself and I tend to agree.

      Thanks for the comment! I'm glad you're reading my stories.
  • Really nice! I like how drunk!Dean lets his walls down and that both he and Sam kept an eye on each other in the bar.
    Dean's drinking is very self-destructive, but it makes for great fic! :)
    • I wish they would address just exactly how self-destructive Dean's drinking is on the show, but so far they seem content to just call him a functioning alcoholic and leave it at that. No one sems to try to stop him or talk to him about it or anything. It's a shame.

      I'm glad you liked my drunk!Dean. He's a much softer, sweeter guy when his walls come crumbling down. *hugs*
  • OMG fireman's carry! LOVE!
    • LOL, yeah I know. I can just see Season 6 Sam right after he gets his soul back, all muscular from when soulless Sam worked out obsessively, pulling Dean into a fireman's carry and lugging him out to the Impala. Heh. Now you know where my mind goes on a regulr basis.
  • Aw, boys. Drunk, affectionate Dean is my favourite thing. Unless affectionate, protective Sam is my favourite. It's so hard to choose! Thank you for giving me both. ♥
    • You are so very welcome. Affectionate!boys happen to be a big thing for me. I'm glad you enjoyed them. Thanks for commenting.
  • Aww that's just why we need fanfiction and especially the ones written by you, hon.
    I really wish they would take a closer look at Dean's drinking problem and what he's doing to himself on the show, but ...
    Oh well, as long as there are stories like yours out there I won't complain too much ;o)

    THIS "Dean is…okay there's just no better way to put it, he's down right affectionate when he's shit-faced drunk. His personal space boundaries become non-existent, his no chick-flick rule goes out the window, and his smiles come a lot easier. The long, rambling sentences that usually don't make any sense and the goofy, little boy grins by themselves are worth the price of admission which, admittedly, hadn't been very high tonight at all." WAS JUST PERFECT!

    And don't worry about Cas, I feel the exact same way about him. Sam would have never been better off without his soul and Dean would never let him go on without it anyhow.
    • Heehee, I know drunk!Dean shouldn't amuse me as much as he does, but...

      Yeah, I know. I think you and I have talked about the need for Show to address Dean's alcoholism before. I really need for them to hug it out which probably will never happen except in fanfiction. So thank goodness for fanfiction.

      Thank you so much for the beautiful comments. They mean a lot to me coming from you!!!
  • Very sweet. Even totally out of his mind he is ready to guard his brother should something happen.
    And Sam enjoying these few moments of open affection... *sigh*
    And, I think Cas was totally out of his mind with letting Sam's soul rot in hell: Keeping Mr Sociopath as he was wasn't really an option
    • Awww, thank you. Affectionate!boys are adorable and I love writing about them.

      I haven't had anyone try to defend Castiel to me yet and I was kind of looking forward to a little friendly debate. Where are all the Castiel supporters? LOL

      In any case, thank you for reading and reviewing. I love hearing what everyone has to say.

      Edited at 2012-03-28 05:57 pm (UTC)
  • Thank you! I love drunk!Dean fics way too much for my own good :) Seeing him wasted and Sammy taking care of him is just awwww.... So, thank you for making my day!
    • You are welcome. I haven't seen many drunk!Dean stories which is surprising considering the amount of fanfiction I read and the number of times they have shown Dean drinking on the show.

      I do love a good caring!Sammy story though.

      Thank you for reading and especially for taking the time to comment.
  • This was lovely, the whole thing has this mellow, warm tone that just oozes with their deep affection. Your wasted Dean was drawn with perfection and beautifully summed up by Dean rarely lets himself get like this and when he does it's only because he feels safe. It's only because he knows Sam has his back. *nods*. Sam's love for his brother here is a real delight to read.

    Personally I could never stand by Castiel for wanting Dean to make that decision to leave Sam in the cage for all eternity. Sam's earned the chance at something far better than that.
    • I love the way you describe this story as having a mellow, warm tone. What a wonderful thing to say! Despite the pressure behind having to come up with a story and write it within 24 hours, I enjoyed writing this story tremendously. It makes me perfectly happy to know that the affection I wanted to show came through.

      Thank you for such a lovely comment` *hugs*
  • The whole "let's leave Sams soul in the cage, it's too damaged anyway"-idea always bothered me.
    Even if Sams (soulless) body could walk around and all and putting the soul back held the danger of him never really recovering from it and ending up a drooling mess - didn't Cas ever think about the fact that NOT putting the soul back would mean leaving Sams soul (as in leaving the real Sam) in Lucifers cage to be tortured for all eternity? Shouldn't the main idea about getting the soul back be to rescue said soul from the cage and not just providing a better captain for the earthly body.
    So yeah, you will not hear any complaining from me about the Cas-"bashing"
    • Yes! Well said, I agree 100%. I'm still not sure what Cas was thinking.

      Thank you for reading and thank you for sharing your thoughts.

  • Dean's adorable. Sam makes a great point about how he would never have had a chance at Heaven if Cas had his way. I'd be very interested to know what you would have him say to Cas.

    And I don't mind some Cas bashing here. An Angel had a whole lot more knowledge and should have been able to avoid all of the dumb things he did. Particularly Leviathan things. Dumb angel. Stupid angel. Angel who needs a smack (but that's probably another kind of fic altogether, heh!).
    • Hey There!

      I was wondering if you were going to weigh in on this one. LOL

      Dean's adorable - heh, that's true in almost all circumstances but I'm glad you think it applies to this fic. I do love me some adorable!boys.

      The conversation between Sam and Cas after Sam found out that Cas wanted Dean to leave his everlasting soul in the cage with Lucifer? Yeah that would be very interesting to hear, wouldn't it?

      Thanks for the comment, hun! It's always good to hear from you. *hugs*
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